How do I know when it’s time for a divorce?
When you’ve found the right partner, being in a marriage can be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Your happiness is uncontrollable and your life is fulfilled with the love from your family.
Click here to find out if you have found “the one” and see if your relationship is on the right track.
However, many married couples haven’t been so fortunate to have found that blissful marriage and perhaps are even looking at divorce right in their backyards. You’ve been in a relationship for years with your spouse and while things should be getting better, they are getting worse.
You’ve prayed and prayed for the situation to get better, hoping your spouse will change and things work out. You both have gone to marriage counseling, but still no healthy relationship.
You feel that you’ve worked so hard to improve things about yourself, yet over time, all signs are telling you that it’s time to look for a divorce attorney.
Let’s pay attention to the top three reasons why it may be time to face the ending of your marriage and get a divorce.
DISCLAIMER: This post contains affiliate links which means if you click and make purchases, we make a commission at no cost to you. For more information, please read our affiliate disclaimer.
Trust
Let’s start with a big issue, trust. I don’t think that I need to state the obvious, but when you pay attention to some relationships, many individuals do not know or understand the obvious, so let’s dive into it.
Any relationship, whether love, friendship, family or business relationship, needs trust. In order for the relationship to be successful, you must trust one another.
You can’t run a successful business if you can’t trust your employees. You shouldn’t hire an employee if you know they aren’t able nor willing to protect the interest of your business.
It’s the same as your marriage. You shouldn’t date much less marry someone that will not protect your union as you would.
Trust isn’t just “Oh, he cheated on me and now I can’t trust him”. Is that a part of it, absolutely, but it’s not all of it.
Trust starts from the moment you both said “I love you” to each other. When one person says to another “I love you”, you trust that the person means it and they will show it every single day of their lives.
Showing that your partner can trust you means that even when there is doubt, you prove to them that you will show them otherwise.
For example, something simple as coming home on time. If you say to your spouse “Honey, I will be home at 7:00” and you reach home at 9:00, and this becomes a habit, well your spouse can’t trust that you will be home whenever you say you will.
This can create big problems in the future.
Here’s how to fix that. “Honey, I will be home at 7:00”. If 7:00 is approaching and you know you won’t make it, then call them and say “I know I said I will be home at 7:00, but my boss caught me on the way out and held me over”. State why you were late and say you’re sorry.
Now this may happen over and over and while your spouse may know chances of you coming home on time are low, he/she will trust that you will call and explain what happened. You will, however, try your best to make it home on time, every time.
You will do whatever you can so your spouse can trust you no matter what. If you do show up on time, you get triple bonus points as they will be so happy and appreciative that you made it earlier than usual.
Sometimes you may feel sick or tired and you are just having a really bad day. You aren’t able to cook, clean or do your daily routine.
Even though you aren’t able to do what you need to do, you can trust that your spouse will take over your duties, in addition, take care of you. You know that your spouse can carry you in any moment. This is another way of trusting in your partner.
“I just don’t see a way out”. You and your partner may be going through a very difficult time, and you just can’t seem to find a problem to the solution. You’ve thought about every possible solution and you just can’t come up with a way to get out of trouble.
As bad as things may be, during this horrible time, you should be able to trust in your partner to help you both through it and find a way out. He/she is willing to carry the burden and deal with any consequence to save you from hurt, disappointment, or pain.
If you aren’t able to trust your partner in ALL ways, that connection will easily be broken. There is no strength in your relationship and this marriage can begin to dissipate.
When you just don’t have enough in you, your spouse should be able to provide what you can’t. You should be able to trust that they love you and they are willing to do whatever it takes for the sake of the marriage.
If there is infidelity, theft, or lying, you don’t have trust. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a marriage.
Communication
Here’s a huge one. This is probably one of the most significant pieces for a marriage to thrive.
Communication is needed to express yourself to your partner at all times. Communication is needed for your spouse to understand you and to be able to take care of your daily physical, mental and emotional needs.
When things are going great in your marriage it is also important to express your gratitude towards your spouse. It is crucial that they know when you are happy and that a big part of your happiness is being with them.
You should express how appreciative you are towards them even though you show it. Saying that you appreciate them is just as powerful.
Think about it. If you had a very tiring day and you come home to finish house chores or watch the kids, you would love to hear the words from your spouse saying how thankful they are that you did what you did.
This shows that there is no doubt that they do love you and have taken the time out to tell you how much.
Communication can be very difficult at times, especially with the harder topics to discuss. If you can’t discuss the more difficult issues with your spouse, then you won’t be able to experience the happier experiences with them.
Learn the love language of your spouse to have better communication during those difficult times.
Now, what about those times when it isn’t as easy to say nice things to your spouse? You are angry at them and you just want to throw your shoe at them.
How can you communicate when you are so upset at them? This is especially the time when you should communicate with them.
Some couples might say that they rather take a time out and take a few minutes or hours separated from their spouse to cool off, think about the situation and come back to talk about things. This strategy works for some couples, but not all.
Some individuals would rather be far away from their spouse until the spouse cools down. Well, how do you know that your spouse has cooled down if you are nowhere around?
Also, it may take one person ten minutes to cool down, whereas another person may cool down in three days. Does that mean you take three days before you come back and talk with one another? Does that work because all parties aren’t upset anymore and we can be happy again?
What if you come back after three days to talk, then get upset again? Do you come back again in another three days? Now you have six days of no problem solving, someone is still upset and you’re back to square one.
First of all, your disagreements should never get so heated that you can’t talk with one another as soon as possible or shortly after. We have to train ourselves to take deep breaths and open our ears and our hearts to our spouses during these difficult times.
Is this easy? No. Is it worth it? Definitely!
I call these ‘deep swallow conversations’. A deep swallow conversation is when you have to take a deep swallow or a big gulp right before you say what you need to say.
These are the conversations that you know could start a World War, or causes that possessed twisted head, foam at the mouth, red-eyed devil to come out, BUT it is extremely critical that you have this conversation with your spouse.
Do not, I repeat, do not abort mission!
I ease into this conversation by saying to my husband, “We need to have a deep swallow conversation.” Or I start by taking my hand and running it down my throat to alert him that we are about to have a serious conversation.
This tells him even though this is very hard for me to say, I’m trying my best to communicate with him in hopes he will be understanding in receiving it. This has worked 100% of the times for us.
Sometimes when your spouse knows how difficult something is for you, they won’t make it twice as difficult by being a jerk, but they will try to make the conversation a little more comfortable for you to express your thoughts or concerns.
If your spouse still acts like a [insert your own word here], and they know how difficult this is for you, this shows tremendously how much or how little your spouse cares about you, your feelings and your thoughts.
If you find yourself during trying times saying, “I’m tired of saying the same thing over and over again”, “I sound like a broken record”, “you just don’t listen”, “why didn’t you just say that”, or “I’m talking to myself”, this may mean your marriage is lacking communication and has already began to destruct.
If you and your spouse are arguing about the same issues over and over again and only one of you or none of you are communicating effectively with each other, your marriage will suffer and there will be no future for it. This may be a sign that it’s time for a divorce.
Respect
Respect is like a gift. Everyone loves to receive respect. Unfortunately, not everyone likes to give respect.
Why is it that some couples interact with one another like they are enemies? There are screaming, cursing, hitting at each other instead of caring, kissing and loving.
I’m at a loss for this one. If this is what the new marriage looks like, count me out!
Couples will say to you “this is normal for us”. What!! Why is this normal for you? Did your brain and your ability to feel go numb, so you lay there and just accept whatever is thrown at you?
If your spouse can control his or her temper at work with others that push their buttons, then why can’t they come home and do the same for you? Hmmm.
Disrespecting one another on any day, is not acceptable, period!! People, set your standards! If you don’t allow someone to disrespect you, they won’t! If that person still wants to disrespect you, show them the door.
You need to be very clear on the behavior that is acceptable to you from day one. Don’t continue in a relationship if your partner treats you the same as they would a stranger they could care less about.
If your spouse yells at you, that’s disrespect. If your spouse curses bad words at you, that’s disrespect. If your spouse hits you, that’s disrespect. If your spouse cares less about your feelings and opinions, that’s disrespect.
Stop ignoring these behaviors, face what it is and stand up for yourself!
Do you know the signs of domestic abuse? Learn the warning signs of an abuser in this article.
You are your own advocate! If you don’t stand up for yourself, no one will. If you don’t care about your own self, why should someone else care about you?
You are worth something! Everything on this planet has a purpose. From a dry rock in the hills to the clouds in the sky, everything and everyone has a purpose!
If you are in a marriage and your spouse has no respect for you, you must find a way to get out. Stop using excuses!! A person who makes the same mistake over and over again is now making a conscious decision.
If you are still in this kind of marriage, it’s not because of blah, blah, blah, it’s because you are making the decision to stay. End of story.
This means when that person is doing things to make you upset, don’t complain because guess what, you made the decision to stay and accept those behaviors. No one wants to hear it.
“Well, I’m staying because of the kids”, “she will hurt herself if I leave”, “he will find us and hurt us if we leave”, “it’s not so bad”, “he doesn’t mean what he says”, “he’s already starting to change”, “she’s a little jealous”. Which one of those excuses have you used?
By the way, if you have thrown the word “divorce” out there, was that what magically caused your spouse to say they will change? Look around, would it be easier, more convenient, or even cheaper to keep you?
Be very careful as to what you are accepting. Love from a marriage can be gone way before you realize it, which turns into selfishness, hatred, or even revenge, then you are blindsided. Don’t fall for it!
No one should have that much power over your life that you live in misery. If you can’t leave your spouse for whatever excuse, then leave them because your mom or dad or sibling that you love so much will be hurt if they only knew what kind of marriage you were in.
Dig deep and do it for them or your children, but more importantly, find the strength to do it for yourself! You are worth it! Your children are worth it! The life of that spouse that is disrespecting you, isn’t worth more than yours.
If you continue in a marriage with no respect, someone if not both may end up in jail or in a casket. Before it’s too late, get yourself out of it, and file for a divorce.
Get a better relationship with yourself, teach your children what true love really looks like and find someone who will never disrespect you.
You are probably thinking, “well Kareena, you aren’t divorced, so you won’t understand”. Fair statement, but does that mean I’ve never been in a relationship where there was no trust, no communication, no respect?
Just because I’ve never been divorced doesn’t mean I don’t recognize what causes a divorce. It doesn’t mean that I don’t know how it feels to give my all and to not get it back in return from the love of my life (or so I thought). You will be surprised what you can learn from someone else’s mistakes.
Well, I’ve been there. I’ve had my share of cruddy relationships, but I’ve had to dig deep and get out of it. I knew what I wanted for myself and I knew it wasn’t that. I chose to walk away.
If I didn’t find the courage and strength needed to leave that relationship, I wouldn’t be in nor would I have what I have today. A great marriage!
Stop holding on to something you think may be great one day and move away from something you know isn’t what you want.
Let me ask you, if you’re in the money-making business and you want to become wealthy and you’re stuck in a rut, would you go for advice from the guy that’s poor and lost it all because you think you can relate to him or would you seek the successful rich guy who had some losses, learned from them to make strategic changes and sits high on his throne?
You can stay in a broken marriage for twenty years and keep crossing your fingers and throwing coins in a wishing well or you can recognize when your marriage has come to an end after five years, LEARN FROM IT and move on.
You’ve already lost twenty years of not being in a loving marriage, do you want to lose another ten? It is never too late to make changes for the better.
Look at who you’re looking at for strength and guidance. Sometimes we need to put pride and fear aside and start making better choices for ourselves and our family.
Don’t be one of those couples that stay together because of excuses, or the need to show others you’re still married.
Who cares if you’re married or not? Your co-worker, the cashier at your favorite grocery store, your pet hamster?
When you’re crying yourself to sleep at night, or miserable every other day, the audience that you’re trying to impress is off in their own world eating popcorn and waiting for you to self-destruct.
Stop torturing yourself to make others happy, including your spouse.
Pray to God, manifest in the universe or whatever you believe in, but you must believe that a marriage lacking trust, communication, and respect is no marriage at all. It never was, and it never will be! This is how you know it’s time for a divorce.
Not ready for a divorce? Would separation work for your marriage? Learn more.
Learn ways to prevent divorce: 13 Incredible Tips for a Successful Marriage
Were you ever in a troubling marriage? How did you know when it was time for a divorce? We would love to hear your story and how you found the courage to finally get a divorce attorney.
