Remarkable Ways to Reduce Conflict in Marriage

How to resolve conflicts between husband and wife?

Ladies, when it comes to disagreements, aren’t we usually the ones that are right? Our points are usually the ones that make sense. What we say, should be the final decision, right?

Don’t they say, “happy wife, happy life”?

Men, don’t you feel like “she just doesn’t know what she’s talking about”, “she doesn’t get it”, or “whatever, I’m in charge here”?

So, how do we reduce conflicts between husband and wife? Keep reading.

Why Do We Argue So Much?

At the beginning of your relationship, before you got married, how well did you know your spouse? Did you really take the time to get to know your spouse? I mean really take the time to get to know who they were, what their desires in life are, morals, values, and character?

Many times we are initially attracted to someone from their physical appearance, then we try to “get to know them”. This person is cute enough, has a head on their shoulders and a clean record. Check, check, check. I’ve found a good one.

It’s very important that BEFORE you decide to commit to an individual, you need to know if this person is the best fit for you. Not if the individual is a “good person”, but is this person the best person for you.

Part of knowing that comes during different experiences of the relationship. What you experience or know of that person after six months, can change drastically after one year.

Take your time to get to know your partner BEFORE you commit.

Once you’ve found that special one, here comes reality. Relationships include lots of one’s own opinions and actions from each side.

Everyone has their own opinions and beliefs and when someone doesn’t agree with us or understand how we feel, that’s when the sky darkens and here comes the monsoon.

But what are we really arguing about? Is it because you didn’t wash the dishes, or you tracked mud into the house? Did you go on and on about the bills that need to be paid or your partner hanging out with friends all night long?

The “reasons” behind some of these arguments have my mind spinning and my eyes rolling as I say, “unbelievable”. Are you upset at him because he threw his dirty laundry on the floor? Are you upset at her because she didn’t call you when she said she would?

I think alot of these explanations are very petty or insignificant, and when we have so many arguments over insignificant issues the relationship becomes very bitter and resentful.

If you spend ten grueling minutes washing the dishes and he comes behind you when you are done and places his one dirty fork in the sink, does that mean you need to hunt him down and yell at him for not appreciating what you’ve done and being so lazy that he can’t wash his one fork?

Why create a three-hour argument over something so petty? For some of you, this turns into days of you not talking to the other. Is your sadness worth one dirty fork? You could just a) ignore the dirty fork or b) wash it yourself or c) have one of your kids wash it. They have to start sometime.

Sure you can get upset, but maybe mumble and vent to yourself. Mumble to Jesus if you have to, he will listen.

What if you had a terrible argument with your spouse about not taking out the garbage? You called him all kinds of names, screamed at him right before he left for work.

Unfortunately, later that day, your spouse got into a horrible accident and won’t return home. How would you feel knowing the last words you said to them was an argument about garbage?

Preventing Conflict

Whenever you find yourself in that situation where you are about to get upset and confront your spouse, take a step back, take a breath and ask yourself, what are you really upset about?

Is this something where I need to turn into a beast or can I get over this? Maybe I can talk with them (not confront them) when I’m not as upset and explain to them why I was upset.

Now let me ask you, was your spouse lazy before you got married? Did your spouse wash dishes all the time before you got married? If not, then their behavior should not be a surprise to you and you really shouldn’t try to change that person because guess what, you already accepted them for who they are and committed to that.

If you know you are ‘Champion of Having a Clean Home’, then you needed to make sure you found a partner that respected your values and supported you on this. This would have prevented you from turning into that monster that blows its head off every time they left that dirty dish on your dining table.

Is it fair to your partner that every time they do something you don’t like, you argue with them, knowing this is who they are? Would you want someone to change who you are? Then don’t try to change someone else.

Did My Spouse Change?

Now let’s flip the script, what if my partner was one way before we got married, then changed to something else? Now can I release my fiery dragon to destroy my home? Absolutely not!

Well, you tell me, what caused your spouse to change? Sometimes, we cause our spouses to change. It’s possible. We can be so bitter, that in turn, it rubs off on our spouse and now they’ve become bitter and unhappy.

This happens all the time. It’s important to work on yourself before committing to someone else. If you enter into a relationship as a bitter, selfish person, chances are your marriage will begin to crumble and crash.

If it’s just an off day for your spouse, like a bad day at work, or exhaustion (and a person is entitled to have many days like this), that is no need to say, he or she has changed, or they are not like they were before.

Especially if you have life-changing events in your life, like having children or a new job, things will change and you will see different behaviors, but you need to be a team player and work through things together.

You need to be an understanding partner, dig deep and let the petty situations rollover.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been a part of conversations with women who complain about things that men do and even me, as a woman, have had to shake my head in disbelief.

If I was married to a lady like some of these women that complain about petty things, I would not want to come home to a wife as such.

Ladies, be that wife your husband wants to come home to! Men, be that husband your wife won’t complain about!

Bigger Issues

OK, but what if the situation is not petty? What if the situation is something bigger?

He knew we had little money in our savings, but he still bought a new car. I told her I didn’t want our daughter going to that school, but she signed her up anyway.

So this is where the truth will hurt some of you. How many have heard, “the man is the head of the household”? “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands”?

Many people have their own opinions on these sayings. I do believe this has alot to do with a successful marriage. I’m not saying nor do I feel like it’s saying whatever the husband wants, he gets regardless of how the wife feels.

For me, I hold a tremendous amount of respect for my husband, and I trust in his decisions he makes for our family. As a family, we trust in the Lord and I feel that my husband relies in the Lord and makes decisions guided by that.

I feel that the Lord moves my husband’s feet, which in turn directs our family paths in life. Me as the wife, supports his decisions, as I trust it is best for the family.

Therefore, there is absolutely no need for anger, no need for fighting, no need for doubts. I don’t need to question his choices, I don’t need to audit his actions, I don’t need to regret not taking over.

If my husband makes a mistake in his choices, I will be right there behind him to pick up where he left off and start again. It’s important you understand this as this also plays a reverse roll.

The more supportive you are to your partner, the more supportive they are of you. If you take that step back, and bite your tongue and let them shine, that in itself shows the love and respect you have for them, and they will love you even more for that.

For you to receive love, you need to give love. 

Supporting Your Spouse

But what if you know you are right? Well, tell me how do you know you are right? Do you have a magic tree outside in your yard, are you psychic, oh let me guess, you can part the Red Sea with your powers.

NO ONE knows what will happen, so why not go into the situation with trust in your partner, with the attitude that I will support your decision no matter what.

If that decision makes your bank account hit -$2000, now it’s your turn to put on your thinking hat, and support shoes and figure out a way to fix the situation together– as a team. Now is not the time to say, “I told you so”.

Don’t be another person to kick your spouse while they are down, be the one they can count on to help them back up. Nothing is wrong with that.

Have you never made mistakes? How would you feel if you made a mistake and your spouse looked at you like the enemy and threw you in the dungeon?

“But he takes advantage of me when I don’t say anything, and keeps doing the wrong things”. Let me stop you right there.

What are the “wrong things”? Is this a list that you have in your marriage book? Are these things that are illegal, deathly or just things that you don’t like? What makes your list any more important than their list?

Know your spouse BEFORE you get married.

If all your spouse wanted to do was become a NASCAR driver and he has emptied the savings account to purchase his first race car, does that mean he is not making the best decision for the family? If this has always been a life-long dream of his and you knew this, then you need to support him.

Yes, I said it. Maybe get another part-time job or sell something to help with finances. You committed to this! Help him achieve his dreams, while he helps you achieve yours.

What if he becomes the world’s famous NASCAR driver and your family is in the best financial position you never thought could happen? Ahh, now, your feelings towards supporting him have shifted haven’t they? You’re welcome.  You and the entire world can rejoice now.

Again, show him you love him through support. If his decisions are so poor, eventually he will see that he is not making the best choices, and at this point, he will be willing to come to you and work with you through future decisions, not against you.

He has learned he can count on you. If he’s not putting your family in a life and death situation, there’s no need to feel threatened by his choices.

Those Powerful Words

Now here goes..I’ve probably lost some readers by now, but the rest of you, hang on.

Even if you know you are 100,000% right on an issue, and your spouse just doesn’t agree, you’ve released the Hulk, and here comes the argument. You’ve argued for 1900 days and no one has gotten his or her point across.

Now what? It’s time to say “I’m sorry”.

Those two words that you have to cross over international waters, jump over three planets, touch the moon, turn around and swim through the scary swamps, fight the roaring beasts, eat monkey brains, and of course, run through miles of fiery forests for. Yes, those two words no one likes to say. “I’m sorry”.

These two words together are some of the most powerful words not just in a marriage, but in any relationship. Use them! They are your friends!

Now don’t say them just to shut your partner up, but be honest, mean them when you do say them. And don’t wait until day 1901 to say it either. For me, it’s 30 minutes tops. I really don’t like being angry at my husband or making him feel upset for too long. It’s just not worth it.

It could have been you began the argument because you wanted your spouse to understand your point of view, and that just spiraled into a horrid fight.

Even though, you still feel that you were right in whatever point you wanted to come across, how did you make your spouse feel when you spoke with them? If your spouse said something to you that you didn’t like, which usually happens in an argument, they are being honest with you and telling you how they feel.

It’s important that you listen to your spouse and not dismiss their feelings. You may have had your agenda during the conversation, but for whatever reason, your spouse reacted in a way that caused you to get more angry.

Well, maybe they acted that way because of how you acted. Does it matter? You put them in a situation that made them feel uncomfortable or made them say something negative and now you need to humble yourself, approach them and say you are sorry. You are sorry for how you reacted, sorry for what you said, sorry for putting them in that situation.

When you do apologize, it’s also important that you are not looking for an apology in return. You are doing your part in the relationship, swallowing your pride and showing love. The more and more you do this, your spouse will also begin to say ‘sorry’ to you to for things they have done, no need to look for it.

This is part of growing together and prevents future arguments as you both have grown so much more respect for one another. Love is forgiveness.

“Babe, I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier because you didn’t wash your dirty fork. I had a long day and I know you did too, so please forgive me”.

As you say these words and mean them, you’ve invited peace into your home and you’ve learned to let things go. You now understand the important things in a marriage– and a dirty fork is not one of them.

When it comes to marriage, there will be many causes of conflicts. Use these tips to know how to handle differences and challenges in your marriage.

For more incredible tips for a successful marriage check this out!

Learn the Top 20 Causes of Problems in Marriage in this article.

To have a healthy relationship in your marriage, think about how you can prevent conflicts between you and your spouse and grow a stronger marriage.

Do you always feel that you are right in your relationship? Does your spouse feel like they’re always the right one? How do you resolve conflict in your home? How do you prevent arguments between you and your spouse? Share your thoughts, we would love to hear from you and don’t forget to subscribe.