How to Hear God’s Voice in a Toxic Marriage
How do you actually hear God’s voice when everyone else is screaming?
When you’re in a toxic marriage, everyone has an opinion about what you should do.
Your mom says, “Marriage is hard, just stick it out.” Your best friend says, “You deserve better, leave him.” Your pastor quotes Malachi 2:16 about how God hates divorce. Your therapist talks about boundaries and self-care.
And you? You’re drowning in confusion.
You don’t know what’s right. You don’t know what GOD wants. And honestly? You can’t even hear Him anymore. The noise is too loud.
Why It’s So Hard to Hear God in a Toxic Marriage
Trauma shuts down your ability to be still.
You know all those verses about “Be still and know that I am God”? They feel impossible right now, don’t they?
When you’re living in survival mode, your nervous system is completely hijacked. You’re walking on eggshells every single day. You’re reading his mood the moment he walks through the door. You’re mentally calculating: Is he going to explode tonight? Did I do something wrong?
Your body is in constant fight-or-flight mode. Your heart races. Your shoulders are tense. You can’t sleep well because you’re always bracing for the next conflict, the next criticism, the next silent treatment.
And here’s the thing about trauma: it keeps you in a state of high alert. Your brain is scanning for danger 24/7 because it HAS to. That’s not weakness, that’s survival.
But God speaks in the quiet. In the stillness. And when you’re in danger, or living with someone who makes you feel unsafe, you CAN’T be still. Your body won’t let you.
So if you’ve been beating yourself up thinking, “Why can’t I hear God anymore?” please hear me: It’s not your fault. Your body is doing exactly what it’s designed to do when you’re under threat.
Spiritual abuse creates static.
Maybe the problem isn’t just that you can’t hear God. Maybe it’s that someone has been speaking FOR God, and it’s created so much confusion that you don’t know whose voice is whose anymore.
Has Scripture been weaponized against you? You’ve probably heard things like:
“God wants you to submit more.”
“If you just prayed harder, he’d change.”
“A godly wife doesn’t complain or cause division.”
And here’s what happens when you hear those messages over and over: they sound like condemnation. They sound like God is disappointed in YOU.
These lies create a massive wall between you and God’s actual voice.
Because the real God? He’s not up in heaven shaking His head at you. The real God defends the oppressed. He’s close to the brokenhearted. He sees what’s happening in your home, and He’s not blaming you for it.
Guilt and shame drown out clarity.
Let’s be honest: you’ve been conditioned to believe that even THINKING about leaving your marriage makes you a bad Christian.
So now, every time the thought crosses your mind (What if I left? What if God is actually releasing me from this?), the shame rushes in immediately.
And that shame? It’s deafening.
It’s so loud that even if God IS speaking to you, you can’t hear it over the roar of “You’re being selfish. You’re giving up. You’re not faithful enough.”
Too many conflicting voices.
Your mom has an opinion. Your best friend has an opinion. Your small group leader has an opinion. That Christian podcast you listen to has an opinion.
And here’s the wild part: they all claim to speak for God.
But here’s the truth: most of the time, people aren’t speaking for God. They’re speaking from their own experience, their own bias, their own discomfort with the idea of you leaving.
They mean well. Most of them genuinely care about you.
But they’re not God. And their voices are not His voice.
So how do you know which voice is HIS?
The Difference Between God’s Voice and Condemnation
God’s voice sounds like this:
God’s voice brings conviction, not condemnation. There’s a huge difference.
Conviction is specific and clear. It says, “You need to set a boundary here.” Condemnation is vague and crushing. It says, “You’re a terrible wife.”
God doesn’t speak in condemnation. Romans 8:1 is clear: “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
God’s voice brings clarity, even when the truth is hard. He doesn’t leave you more confused than you were before.
God’s voice brings peace, even when the decision is terrifying. Philippians 4:7 calls it “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding.” It doesn’t erase the fear. But it guards your heart in the middle of the storm.
God’s voice always leads to freedom, not chains. Galatians 5:1 says, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” If the voice you’re hearing is binding you tighter, keeping you trapped, making you smaller, that’s not God.
And here’s something crucial: God’s voice protects the vulnerable. That’s you. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
This is NOT God’s voice:
If a voice makes you feel worthless and broken beyond repair, that’s not God.
If a voice creates paralyzing fear and confusion, that’s not God. First Corinthians 14:33 says, “God is not a God of disorder but of peace.”
If a voice uses Scripture to trap you instead of free you, that’s not God. God’s Word is supposed to be a lamp to your feet and a light to your path (Psalm 119:105).
If a voice demands you stay silent, small, or unsafe, that’s not God.
And if the voice in your head sounds exactly like your abuser’s voice, full of criticism, control, and shame, that’s not God either.
Here’s what Jesus Himself said: “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27)
You DO know His voice. Deep down, you do. You’ve just been trained to doubt it.
How to Create Space to Hear God
Get quiet, even for just 5 minutes.
You can’t hear God in chaos. But this doesn’t have to be an hour-long quiet time. It can be as simple as sitting in your car for 5 minutes before you walk into the house, or waking up 10 minutes earlier than everyone else.
Just sit. Breathe. And ask: “God, what do You want me to know today?”
Then listen. Don’t expect a booming voice from heaven. Just notice what surfaces.
Read Scripture without someone else’s interpretation.
You need to get alone with God’s Word. Not your pastor’s version of it. Not your husband’s twisted interpretation of it. Just you and the Bible.
Start with the Psalms. David was raw, honest, angry, desperate. Read how Jesus treated the broken, the oppressed, the marginalized. Read Paul on freedom in Christ.
Let God speak to you directly through His Word.
Journal what you hear.
When you pray, when you read Scripture, when you sit in the quiet, write down what comes to mind.
Don’t edit it. Don’t judge it. Just write.
Because here’s what happens over time: you start to see patterns. God’s voice is consistent. He doesn’t contradict Himself or lead you into harm.
Find ONE trusted, wise voice.
Stop collecting opinions. Find ONE person who knows God deeply, understands abuse and toxicity, won’t pressure you to stay OR leave, and will help you hear God’s voice, not impose their own.
This might be a Christian counselor, a safe pastor, or a mentor who’s been through something similar.
Pay attention to peace.
Philippians 4:7 says, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
This doesn’t mean an absence of fear. You’re going to be afraid. But underneath the fear, there’s something else. A settledness. A deep knowing. A sense of “This is right, even though it’s terrifying.”
That’s the peace of God.
If a decision brings nothing but terror, dread, and a gut-level sense of wrongness, that’s often NOT God.
Hearing God’s voice in a toxic marriage feels impossible at times. But you can learn to discern His voice again. To create space to hear Him, get quiet for even just 5 minutes, read Scripture without someone else’s interpretation, journal what you hear, find one trusted wise voice who won’t pressure you, and pay attention to the peace that transcends understanding. Hearing His voice again won’t happen overnight, but when you quiet the noise and turn toward Him, He will speak. And His voice will bring the clarity you’ve been desperate for.
If you’re struggling to hear God’s voice right now, I created something for you:
5 Prayers for When You Don’t Know What to Do
It’s a free printable prayer guide to help you create space to hear Him clearly.
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